3.11.09

CONTENTMENT


 

There is a line from the Pali Cannon, repeated else ware if I recall, that goes something like "Contentment is the Highest Joy."

 

I guess my current perspective on it doesn't quite match that.  Or maybe I'm discontent with contentment.  Having been in and out of boundless joy for a fewyears now I have always thought that what I was going in and out of was melancholy or mild depression.  As a youth I was often susceptible to those kinds of experience so I figured it was just a continuation of that theme.  

 

This time, well a little bit ago actually, I decided that instead of try and get back to that joy joy place I just accepted and kind of explored the experience.  Of course this was with the usual bit of a tint of that "Why?" and "What's this?" lingering in my brain housing unit.  I suppose the cliché that I rediscovered was that nothing was lacking.   You read and understand when people say everything is "Complete" and want to get there, but when you do you might be disappointed.

 

That said I think I should clarify that there is by no means a sense that everything is just fine as it is and there is still a sense that some things are inadequate.  For example while traveling I went to a hotel without adequate sound baffles (the sound baffles are common to the hotel chain I frequent, that's why I frequent it.) and from the floor above me it sounded as if there were a group of elephants doing wind sprints.   Or the "Japanese Style Steak" I ordered in South Bend Indiana which turned out to be an American style steak chopped into one inch cubes.  

 

Contentment also does not appear to be conducive to writing for me at this time.  

Largely I think that everything I am writing about here has been written about by someone else, likely with better grammar and punctuation.

 

On the other hand contentment, the way I see it, seems to be conductive for equanimity, poise, self control, calmness, composure, or whatever else you may want to call it.  This comes at a good time for me as I have a lot of big rocks to chip away at.  Moving, Doctors appointments, selling the house, applying for homeowners assistance, on top of the everyday, plus trying to close out business at work for a smooth turnover.  

 

There are some other things I not sure if I can quite express clearly right now, mostly introspective stuff in how I deal/don't deal with relationships. Kind of has to do with saying what people need to hear rather than blathering on about my own analysis and conclusions.  I guess in a way it feels a little dishonest when I don't go straight for the end that I want to gain and instead work in increments.

 

Anyhow that's enough for a lunch break email update.  

2 comments:

Lauren said...

Jordan,

Yeah, the 10 thousand things are always churning about. Is there an "end", a place to get to where you can stop and say okay, now I just cruise like this till I'm worm food.

I'm starting to think not. It's all a mess and confusion until its over, and yet nothing is lacking (which I do not believe most of the time, especially when face with Japanese style steak and the like).

Regardless of the blather, repetition or inconclusiveness of it, its good to 'hear' from you, and how its going.

Jordan said...

Thanks Lauren.

Thanks for looking!