Even when I get what some others may call "Humiliated" I still manage to
puff my chest up and either make excuses or say I'll do better next time.
For example, two days ago while participating in some Marine Corps Martial
Arts Program training I had the opportunity to grapple with a Black Belt
Instructor Trainer. Of course he balled me up and I found myself in the
position of being unable to do anything about it. For me being a guy who is
used to being in a position of authority this was pretty humiliating.
Naturally I immediately went to making excuses mode in my head, the ego
defending itself, after all, I am a desk jockey, and this guy trains the
guys who train the guys to be baddasses. My limited techniques were useless
Now of course this sounds reasonable and it is. But it is not real
The kind of humility I experienced this morning, sitting on my round cushion
alone in the living room. The sinking of the chest. The other things in my
brain housing unit reminding me of my other shortcomings, as a father, as a
teacher, as a mentor. Failure. Knowing my very best effort is going in the
wrong direction. Pushing others in the wrong direction. Don't get me wrong,
this is not a self pity party, I am not thoroughly depressed, and I am
taking the experience as a much needed insight. But yes, it sure does suck.
I take a little heart, because I know this is a good thing. But I have a
lot of thinking to do now.
What direction isn't wrong?
Or How do I apply what I know to not do wrong?
Where is the "everything just flows" that I hear comes with enlightenment?
Maybe this is not a public case.
All the evil Karma, born of my words, body, and mind since of old,
On account of greed, anger, and delusion which has no beginning,
I now openly avow.