Retreat Epic Fail/Victory!
Ok I just finished off my Rohatsu retreat, a week late. Sitting at home following along with Jundo’s totally contrived Zen show. I will follow up on comments and stuff I got while I was in retreat later; I just wanted to get this stuff out while it was semi-fresh and stinking like the turd that it is.
On to the failure and success of the retreat! Ok, I prepared the family Friday night by saying I am doing a retreat this weekend, there are work periods, so I’ll help out around the house during that time.” Then I sat until a little after 0140. (After I had been up since 0430 Friday, I had also run a PFT and was a bit sore) When I got up Saturday I went straight to the cushion, did my “samu” and did night sitting” again till about 0240 again, Sunday more of the same until about 30 minutes before the next eating/ working period. I had become hell. Mara was whispering in my ear telling me how totally cool and zen I was and it was sounding pretty sweet. And my “dakini”, Megumi was the catalyst for Mara to call victory over me. The wife was pissed since my folks are coming and she is uneasy about them coming and wants to make them as comfortable as we can when they come up from Texas. I was busy being a ZaZen God and did not want to be cheated out of my ZaZen. There was a large uncontrolled explosion of emotion resulting in tears, and a house full of pissed off women. Total train wreck. Wow, what a dick.
All the evil karma ever committed by me since of old,
On account of greed, anger, and folly, which have no beginning,
Born of my body, mouth, and thought - I now make full open confession of it.
I got better though, and so did they.. Had a great talk about a lot of the stuff that had bubbled up, got up, and started working on the house in an extended samu period. Ate dinner with the family and finished the sitting with equanimity restored. And as a bonus I think the next time I say I want to “Go” to a retreat the family might not be as resistant to me leaving the house for a weekend retreat in future.
Oh, and the retreat must have been good, because Jesus is following Me now!
His Bio says " A lot more like Buddha thank you thought. Wish more people today understood my message. We are all One."
My knee hurts.
May you be well and happy,