I'm watching American Hardcore. I was just at the tail end of that scene. I think I was 12 years old when I got turned on to Black Flag and The Misfits. A little later a new scene came in to the Chicago suburbs. But Watching this I started to get a case of the "if only." I start to think if I had only latched on more to the straight edge scene, If only I had been more musically talented, if only I had stayed away from beer, If only I had exorcised more, not been so nihilistic, angry. If only I understood what is going on around me at the time.
It matters but it dose not matter. I am not being cryptic here it is just how it is.
It matters because things would not be how they are now, I would not be how I am now if i had not lived the life I have lived, made the choices I have made. But it has little reflection on my daily life today. Sure I have a mixed up collection of tattoos, and an eclectic music collection. And I am certain the line of causation put me smack dab into Zazen.
It dose not matter because the only thing I can do is take action in the present moment. I can't go back and address the "if only." It won't get the house cleaned or do my job for me. It won't put gas in the car or feed the family. It won't do Zazen for me or get the wife all the worldly things she wants. Or blow the perfect note on the Shakuhachi or paint the perfect fish.
But nostalgia is not something to Ignore all together either. I know there are lessons to be learned all throughout the past if I can find them. But at the same time not get involved in them with the "if only" and live and act right now. I smile when I see a 12 year old wearing a Black Flag t-shirt.
I left a whole bunch of stuff out of this post.
Be wall and happy!
Cleaning the house today with the wife and kids, My wife scolded the 4.5year old "Hannah, How many times do I have to tell you help Iko(2.5)!" Hannah, my new Zen master's spontaneous response? "I Don't Know!"